Ok, first off, quick shout out to Strictly this weekend, which I think we can all agree is vastly superior when Claudia Winkleman is allowed to get involved, and the BBC really need to retire Bruce/sack Tess/WHATEVER GET HER ON EVERY SATURDAY.
Meanwhile, over on ITV, The Almighty Scherzinger was once more proving how balls out amazing she is, whether it’s clambering onto desks, saying the words stiff or SPRAYING to troll Dermot, or convincing half of the music world to give pep talks to her acts, she’s literally the best judge they’ve ever had on it. And now she’s gone the longest anyone has ever gone without losing an act, and I for one am in favour of an ALL-SCHERZINGER FINAL. I know that means losing Ella, my favourite, but it’s a price worth paying if it means we get Nicole getting a whole weekend to be flat out mental whilst everyone else sits next to her seething.
1. Rylan Clark
Yep. NUMBER ONE, BITCHES, DEAL WITH IT. He jumped out of a plane! He met Geri Halliwell! He combined FOUR Spice Girls songs! He had male strippers and lady dancers in giant plastic champagne glasses! And to top it all off, whenever the cameras cut to the judges, Nicole and Tulisa were openly and happily fag-hagging themselves into early graves. Easily (EASILY) my favourite performance of this year, even if his singing was a bit shit.
2. James Arthur
If I was James, I’d be really annoyed at the Scherz. Rylan gets a Spice Girl (the worst one, but still), Jahmene gets JENNIFER LITERAL HUDSON, and James gets… his sister. I know he got Mary Jactual Blige the other week, but even so. Anyway, he did a fairly standard Adele cover, which of course got Borelow all moist, claiming no one but James should cover her (UMMMMM….) and I would have gotten all bored/annoyed, but didn’t he throw in a random dubstep breakdown, which I bloody LOVE in a ballad. I still don’t want to like James though. No matter what, no matter how “happy” I suppose he must has this face on him, it’s ridick:
3. Jahmene Douglas
Last week he was so bad, he was even worse than Christopher. CHRISTOPHER. Jahmene apparently doesn’t think he’s any good (bitch has a point, just sayin’) so the Lady Scherzinger rang up JENNIFER GOD DAMN HUDSON, who assured him some believe in yourself nonsense and apparently it worked! He sang properly, he didn’t do any warbling, it was actually quite nice. Just goes to show the power of believing in yourself/the amazingness of JHud (delete as applicable)
4. Ella Henderson
Another week, another competent performance. Whilst she’s my favourite, and she’s completely the only one who could get a career for longer than one album this year, she seems to be fading into the background some what. Personally, I blame Tulisa who couldn’t give less of a shit this year if she tried.
5. Union J
URGH. Yeah, they easily gave the best performances on both Saturday and Sunday, but JESUS. Milking the “BACK OUR BOYS” thing to such an extent?! One of them was wearing camouflage FFS. I just found it all in very poor taste.
6. Christopher Maloney
If I hear “AM NORRA DEEEEVA!!!” one more time, I’m going to shoot myself in the head with a staple gun.
And the dearly departed… District3
Well obviously. I don’t think anyone ever seriously thought they’d last longer than Union J, bless them. I don’t know what was more laughable the claims they had “amazing harmonies” or that they were “more R’n’B than Union J”.
One Direction – “Little Things” I like One Direction. No really, I do. Their vile little fans that troll Twitter are obviously knobs, but I don’t think you can blame them for that. I just wish they’d stop singing songs that are clearly designed to make said knobs become even bigger knobs, thinking they have any sort of chance with the boys. It’s a vicious circle and I do not approve. Also, stop with the tattoos, they don’t suit you and you all keep picking dreadful designs.
Little Mix – “DNA” Amazing. Nothing about this wasn’t amazing.
Ed Sheeran – “Give Me Love” I like Ed Sheeran too. He seems nice (he was on Buzzcocks the other day and seemed very funny and shockingly graphic – my sort of guy) and I quite like his music. BUT JUST BECAUSE HE PLAYS A GUITAR AND WEARS JEANS AND A HOODIE CONSTANTLY, DOES NOT MEAN HE IS ANY BETTER OR WORSE THAN ANY OTHER SINGER, DO YOU HEAR FEARNE COTTON?!