I am almost out of patience with this year’s X Factor, to be honest. Anyone who could have been vaguely interesting (MK1, Jade, Lucy, Melanie) have gone (and not before most of them were ruined by their mentors) and now we’re stuck with all the most boring ones. If Rylan had gone this week, I’d have been tempted to stop watching entirely. IT’S JUST SO DULL.
1. Ella Henderson
Best of a bad bunch. She was doing really well until she got to the big notes and…. not so much.
2. Rylan Clark
He was so close to being No 1 for me this week. He sang quite well TWICE, his performance was camp as anything, and he did quite a sweet shout out to Lucy in the middle of his song. But that bloody VT beforehand. As someone who lived in Colchester for four years can I just point out PEOPLE IN ESSEX AREN’T LIKE THAT. Some are, but they can be pretty much summed up as “the stupids”. Frankly, most people in Essex dress more like Union J or Ella than anyone else. Fortunately, he took Queen of All Things, Nicole Scherzinger along so that was fun at least.
3. James Arthur
LOLZ at Gwen Stefani telling him to just sing the bloody notes. I mean, her criticism would have been even better aimed at Jahmene, but still pretty funny. Anyway he did “Don’t Speak”, which is amazing, in exactly the same way he has sung every bloody song he’s ever sung (i.e. distraught at how unfair the world is/constipated/distraught at how unfair constipation is) and then he gets told by Bloody Barlow about how he chnages his style every week. FFS.
4. Union J/District3
I don’t know how the identikit bands are both still in, but as ever, one was told they’re great, one was told they’re awful, both were told how they’re in direct competition with the other because they’re so similar, and both were told how THEY’RE JUST SO DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHER. Same old, same old.
5. Christopher Maloney
Yep, he’s not last for once. Don’t get me wrong he was still dreadful (and managed to throw in boring too), just someone else was worse. More Stefani!LOLZ though, as he started moaning about how all the judges probably only hate him so much because they’re oh so very jealous of him to which Gwen was all “UUUUUMMMMMMM……NO.”
6. Jahmene Douglas
I can only assume the acoustics are entirely different in the ITV Studios, because whilst the judges all went on about how this was the second coming of Beyonce, I thought it sounded like cat rape. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I heard such an unpleasant noise, I think it was when my dog got trodden on at the park by a bigger dog. The fact that Tulisa would DARE say that she hadn’t heard a woman sing the song that well, when possibly the greatest Reality TV moment ever is based around a woman singing this very song much much better, is galling to me like almost nothing else on Earth.
(I could honestly watch that video all day ❤ ❤ <3)
And the dearly departed… Kye Sones
Thank Christ. I had entirely run out of synonyms for “competent but entirely fucking boring”. This was essentially Poor Carolynne all over again, and appropriately even more dull, since Rylan has been singing much better and Kye is even more anonymous than Poor Carolynne.
Oh, and… Lucy Spraggan
Yeah, I find the whole “too ill” thing a touch suspicious too, but I like living my life unsued, so I’ll just say that whilst I liked her a lot, she was never really the right fit for this show and really shouldn’t have bothered in the first place.
Even these were boring this week, so I’ll just lament the fact that they totally should have gotten Misha B on to do her amazing new single, and I am shocked and BLOODY ANNOYED that they didn’t.