I have done a completely 180 turn on my opinion of Gary Barlow. Last week, I complained how he was destroying the show by sucking away any fun he could. Apparently, it’s quite a popular opinion, since I’ve seen several articles this week also slagging him off. Apparently, seeing a turn in the public’s opinion, we welcomed the old-school, desperate, PLEASE LOVE ME BRITAIN, 1997-era Gary Barlow, and it was glorious. He has turned into a cloying, one man TV car crash whose jokes can clear a room, and I could watch it all day.
1. James Arthur
Yeah, I’m surprised too. But he actually did give the best performance of the weekend, despite continuing to be utterly unlikeable, and surprisingly arrogant for someone who won’t stop (rightly) talking about how much of an uggo they are.
2. Rylan Clark
Anything that involves the Scherzinger’s “Poison” is automatically amazing, but throw in Barlow-baiting to the point that he’s literally thrusting in his face? Amazing.
3. Ella Henderson
Not a great week for Ella, but it’s mainly Tulisa’s fault since she fucked up both her acts utterly. Maybe she might turn up next week and seem like she gives a shit for the first time this year? Hope springs eternal, I suppose…
4. Kye Sones
Again, I’m fairly surprised too. But since all the people I like(/tolerate) are being kicked off, people who I normally hate are going to be quite high up my rankings. And he actually gave a fairly competent go of “Let Me Entertain You”, and was again not bad in the group performance of “Without You”. I still struggle to stay awake when he appears on screen though.
5. Jahmene Douglas
Less warbling (GOOD), still pretty dull (BAD)
6. Union J/District3
If that sing-off taught us anything, it’s that when it comes to this shower, decent vocals mean shit all, so I’ll focus on their personalities: “LOOOOLZ! BANTER! OI OI! LADZ! LOLZ! BANTER! OMGZ! BANTER BANTER BANTER!”. Urgh. Then the whole “WE’RE SO STR8 GET ME SOME VAGINAZ PLZ!!!!” thing goes to shit when they end up in the bottom 2 and start whimpering and sobbing like 11 year olds getting their first periods.
7. Christopher Maloney
I hate him, the judges hate him, the contestants hate him, the Internet hates him, the SHOW seems to hate him and yet he’s still here. So, like ol’ Fag-Breath I shall forego the usual criticism and just leave you with this image to enjoy:
Uncanny, isn’t it?
And the dearly departed… Jade Ellis
Sigh. I liked Jade. She totally deserved to be in the bottom two after her dreadful Saturday performance, don’t get me wrong, but “White Flag” was amazing. Sadly she isn’t four white teenage boys so that was that. Boo-urns.
fun. – “We Are Young” So after criticisms that this year was really dull, the producers decided to rope in a band that spells fun with all small letters and a full stop. THEY LITERALLY TOOK ALL THE FUN OUT OF THE WORD FUN. Then they sang a son that got boring about 6 months ago. Good work everyone.
Robbie Williams – “Candy” THANK GOD FOR YOU, WILLIAMS. This was the single most ridiculous, campest, stupedist performance that the X Factor has had in years, and I adored it. Possibly the worst vocals that have ever been on the stage, but give a shit.