Last week, I was banging on about how much I love The Scherzinger (AND I BLOODY LOVE HER). This week, a few words on how much Gary Barlow has utterly jumped the shark, from slightly grumpy but still constructive and very good looking judge, into COMPLETE AND UTTER VACUUM OF FUN. First the consistent hatred of Rylan, then his love of James Arthur, jizzing himself over “bringing meaning” to the lyrics of Sexy and I Know It (!), and finally, slagging off Ella because she doesn’t want to literally stand stock still every bloody week. With the consistent War On Barlow almost claiming it’s third victim in as many weeks this week, I can totally see him quitting this year, and I won’t be sorry in the slightest.
1. Ella Henderson
Yep. Unlike FuckOffBarlow, I loved the fact that she’s actually showing some movement this week. Besides which, the song is a tune and one of the few that actually IS a club classic (I’m choosing to deliberately ignore the harps that showed this up to be the FloMach version)
2. Lucy Spraggan
Her high placing this week has literally nothing to do with her performance (which was actually pretty sub-par this week) and all to do with how she reacted to the TABLOID REVELATIONS!!!!1!!1! that she LIKES TO GET DRUNK!!!!!eleven!! Whilst she did point out that her nan only died last week and could have played that into a “BOO HOO, MAYBEZ I IZ BE AN ALCOHOLIC BOO HOO”, instead she went with the much more honest and likeable “I decided to get hammered, AN’ WOT?!” version, as well as pointing out that she auditioned with a song about getting twatted, so how can you be surprised, you mongos? Thumbs up from me.
3. Union J/District3
Yes I’m as surprised as anyone else, but both The UnWanted and No Direction turned in surprisingly competent performances this week, one of which even included a club song in it’s original tempo! Sadly, that song was a Chris Brown song, and srsly, fuck Chris Brown forever.
4. Rylan Clark
Nicole needs to “zhuchsz” (or however you spell it) Rylan’s performance up next week. It’s only been a fortnight and already the multi-mashup thing has gotten old. A couple more weeks, and I think I’ll be done with Rylan. Although I did feel really sorry for him this week, it seems like all the abuse is starting to get to him. Although (again) my friend tells me that he used to frequent the only decent gay night in Essex, wandering around telling people how ugly they are, so I really am torn on my opinion on him.
5. Jade Ellis
Considering how bad her voice has been, I actually thought this was OK, my only problem being that she seems to be slightly sleepwalking through all her performances, and she needs to start BEING ALL OF THE FIERCE. Just watch Nicole, Jade love, and copy how she moves. You’ll be there in no time.
6. James Arthur
I normally find him utterly hateful, and whilst I did knock him down a couple of places for doing an acoustic version of an LMFAO song (that should never be a thing) I must admit, I found him much more likeable now I know he might have a semblance of a sense of humour. Or, maybe it’s just Nicole’s influence, who knows.
7. Kye Sones
I slept through his main performance just like everyone else, but his sing off was actually pretty good, so I have to give him credit for that.
8. Jahmene Douglas
PICK A FUCKING NOTE.
9. Christopher Maloney
Reports emerged this week, that Christopher has actually been winning the vote the last few weeks. Now, reports like that emerged for Jedward and Wagner too, but the point still remains that it has been three weeks, and he still hasn’t been in the bottom two despite being CLEARLY dreadful. Why would any sane person waste money on voting for him?! GET RID NOW.
And the dearly departed…. MK1
I actually did like them, and honestly think they could have been the group to have the best chance of staying in the public eye after the competition. Sadly, they got given Louis as a mentor, and that was pretty much that.
Labrinth ft. Emeli Sande – “Beneath Your Beautiful” LOVE THIS SONG. Plus, I thought Emeli gave an amazing performance, despite everyone pretty much being sick of the sight of her after turning up at the Olympic roughly every 0.3 seconds.
JLS – “Hottest Girl in the World” Poor JLS. They’re pretty much done now, aren’t they? Although despite the song (which sounds like a Justin Timberlake reject circa 1996), despite the song title (VOM) and despite their styling (The Saturdays called, they want their wardrobe back), I actually don’t mind this song. It’s still not GOOD, I’ve just heard worse.