Super Beyoncé

The Exalted Beyoncé has been confirmed as the half-time act at the 2013 Super Bowl, an announcement which can only be met with ecstatic shrieks of glee (that is the official reaction, and I will allow no other).

Now, since Madonna actually put on a bloody good show last year (although it had slightly too much LMFAO for my liking, bleurgh), I thought I’d help The Knowles out with some suggestions for what she could do for hers. I can assure you Mrs Z you can use as many of these as you like, no charge, just make them EPIC please.

  • Single Ladies, with FULL dance routine, featuring at least 30 people.
  • Run the World (Girls), not because it’s good, just because it’ll be LOLZ to see how all the boozed up, redneck football fans will react to all the rampant feminism.
  • A  single (promoting a new, full-length album) that is ABSOLUTELY NOT a ballad. Full on R’n’B ridicu-gay club banger.
  • If you must do a ballad, make it a jizzed up remix please.
  • Actually, if you really want to do Halo, make it the Glee Halo/Walking on Sunshine mashup.
  • If at all possible, delete If I Were A Boy from history, because Jesus.
  • Drag Kelly and Michelle along for a mini-Destiny’s Child reunion, I’m thinking a medley of Independent Women/Survivor/Lose My Breath.
  • Crazy in Love, GLOBVS, and if you must bring the hubby, but I’m too fussed if you don’t.
  • Get Gaga on to do Telephone. YOU MUST DO THIS.

Of course, the last point could act as Gaga’s audition for her own half-time show in a few years, once a) she’s got a few more albums of hits under her belt, and b) the rednecks will need a few crusty, forgotten rock bands first to make up for the Black Eyed Peas/Madonna/Beyoncé triple punch of mainstream pop.

Oh, and Beyoncé? You’ll need to throw in a random theme a la the “Proud to be an American” thing from Drop Dead Gorgeous. Doesn’t really matter what it is, Madonna’s was a bizarre (yet awesome) Gladiator/cheerleader combo thing, and the Black Eyed Peas went with “Fergie can’t sing” but to each their own.

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About rmdbutler

2007 Brit Award nominee for Best International Female
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