Look, before I get to the contestants, can I just say a few words about how much I am bloody LOVING Nicole Scherzinger please? On the US version last year she was rubbish, giving all this emotional hippy Earth-mother crap, but when she crosses the Atlantic, she’s funny, clever, mental (but not too mental), dances along with her acts because why the hell shouldn’t she, and trolls the entire show to the point where it seems Gary Barlow genuinely might hate her. J’ADORE.
Anyway, on with the nitty-gritty:
1. Ella Henderson
Yeah, expect this position not to change for the next few months. She managed to hit the high note in “Loving You”, FFS. Although I don’t care what either she or Tulisa may say, she clearly came dressed as Adele.
2. Rylan Clark
There are no words to describe how insanely camp this was, but God bless you Brian Friedman for ALL OF IT.
3. Lucy Spraggan
She didn’t sing her own song, it wasn’t about some old dear she met at a bus stop once, and it was actually really nice. Even the rap which by all rights should have been a complete disaster. Plus, I loved how when the dancers were shaking their thangs all around her, Lucy was properly having a perve. Atta girl.
4. Jade Ellis
I like her, she has a nice voice, she looked stunning, but… I don’t know. Meh? It just feels like she needs to stand out a bit more, cos at the moment, she’s just fading in to the background. Actually, a bit like Tulisa is this year, has anyone else noticed?
5. Jahmene Douglas
I really wanted to put Jahmene lower, due entirely to the creepy giggle he wouldn’t stop doing, like someone kept prodding a Teletubby, but as it turns out he did a nice enough performance (and is doing less Mariahing) and, you know, everyone else was worse.
The Jackson 5? THE JACKSON 5?! Louis may sort of know what he’s doing with boy bands (and I do mean sort of) but at no point should he be allowed to pick the songs for these two because he clearly has absolutely no fucking idea what he’s doing.
7. Union J/District3
Another lot who would be lower except I hate other people more, I still point blank refuse to tell them apart. I think the main reason I find them infinitely more offensive than One Direction is that whilst the boys in 1D didn’t really seem to get how much adulation was waiting for them (well, maybe Harry did), this crowd seem to not only know but fully expect it with the smug looks to camera and their constant congratulatory back-patting. It’s made extra stupid since none of the bands are even attractive, one of them containing Deano from Gavin and Stacey and Sean Smith from Same Difference, whilst the other one has two young girls wearing Harry Styles and Liam Payne Hallowe’en costumes.
8. James Arthur
I still hate him. Most of all I hate how when the judges are jizzing themselves over how amazing and not all creepy he is (wrong on both counts) he just stands there being all “Yeah. Yeah. Correct. Yes, I am.”. URGH. The only reason he’s higher this week is because of the ridiculously amazing sequence before-hand where he took Nicole to a pub, she tried pork scratchings and it was exactly as amazing as it sounds.
9. Kye Sones
Dreadful. Not only was he badly out of tune (even more so than Rylan, I’d say) but he wears so much eye makeup he looks like Danny La Rue (google it).
10. Christopher Maloney
Whoever is voting for him, please leave. Not just this blog, but life itself.
And the dearly departed… Melanie Masson
Poor old Melanie, you couldn’t help but like her even if she was just shouting in tune most of the time, rather than singing. I would just like to point out that Gary Barlow is now only left with two acts (LOL) but those acts are Kye and Christopher. British public, I SWEAR TO GOD.