It’s been one week. ONE WEEK. And yet already this year’s X Factor live shows have almost single handedly destroyed the Internet thanks to a ridiculous and almost certainly manufactured “controversy”. Say what like about the X Factor (or how dull the contestants are this year) but those producers really do know what they’re doing.
Anyway, here are my rankings for this weekend’s performances:
1. Ella Henderson
Well, OBVIOUSLY. The last time the winner was this clear cut from the start was the year of the Blessed Leona. She’s clearly a nice girl, she has a brilliant voice, and she enjoys wearing ridiculous eyelashes, and swirling her hair around like it’s a Mr Whippy. Give her a “Bleeding Love”-type song for her debut, and we’re all set.
2. Rylan Clark
YEAH, I WENT THERE. This year’s contestants have apparently been inspired by The Voice to be as utterly boring as they can possibly be, so thank fuck for Rylan, turning up in a gold outfit, on a throne, singing a club remix of “Gold”. Even his bottom two song (which even bloody Jedward took as an opportunity to do a rubbish ballad) was a club remix. He’s clearly dreadful, but if it means I don’t slip into a coma before Hallowe’en, then Rylan to stay in as long as possible, plz.
3. Jade Ellis
Stop with ballads, I want proper, diva Misha B-style FIERCENESS please. And since Tulisa is her mentor, she wouldn’t have the possibility of being thrown under the bus in the name of sisterhood. (No, I am never going to let that go)
4. Melanie Masson
She may shout all the time (LOLZ at her being given the “I want to shout” line in Read All About It TWICE) but she does basically have a nice voice, and she doesn’t offend me in any way, which puts her above most of the acts this year.
5. Lucy Spraggan
So it turns out the big question of “How is Lucy going to cope with the theme weeks?” was answered with “Exactly the way she deals with everything else, ignore it and sing a song about some old lady she met once.”. But the schtick hasn’t QUITE worn out it’s welcome yet (give it a week) and I like her so I’ll give her a pass.
Pretty much the only chance this competition has of a churning out a half decent group, I pray to God they don’t get screwed over for having Louis as their mentor. Please. No more Hot Chocolate. And no more pretending the girl one has anything other than a completely average voice.
7. Jahmene Douglas
On the big notes, not bad. On the smaller ones, as nasally and Mariahing as ever. Nicole needs to slap that out of him.
8. Kye Sones
I keep forgetting who he is. I had to look up what he sang, because I genuinely had no recollection of it. Probably not a good sign.
9. Union J/District3
Don’t expect me to differentiate between the two, it’s clearly impossible. They’re both terrible, and are going to be utterly screwed by Louis (take that in whichever way you like, I know they will be). If I had to pick one it’d by Union J, but it’s like picking your favourite colour out of grey and beige.
10. James Arthur
Sings like a wounded cat, and has a chip on his shoulder the size of the Watford Gap. Any criticism comes his way and it’s all moping and surliness, he has apparently dumped his long-term girlfriend to date someone from “Take Me Out” (stay classy) and every five minutes he’s banging on about “Ooh, I’m so ugly, I don’t look right for this competition, who could ever love…. a beast? Blah blah blah”. Fuck off.
11. Christopher Maloney
British public, you dare to complain about Rylan when THIS is what you vote into the competition?! Not only is he a pathetic, weeping, cloying pathetic excuse for an overly tanned lump, not only is he basically Cruiseship!Sami from last year but less likeable, but it gave Gary Barlow a chance to do his smug face which is UNFORGIVABLE.
And the dearly departed… Carolynne Poole
Look I didn’t mind Carolynne. She probably would have ended up mid-table of me if she hadn’t gone (hideous country version of Starships aside). But I am fully prepared to sacrifice her to the reality show Gods, if it mean next week Nicole cooks up some ridiculous campfest for Rylan.
Anyway, if you’re really looking for the campest, most ridiculous, MOST AMAZING thing that happened on reality TV over the weekend, then please watch the following. Just incredible.