Oh X Factor, you beloved bastard you. I know full well that you’re a horrible, manipulative piece of tat, but God damn it I just don’t know how to quit you.
Yep, it’s that time of year again as we search for a successor to Leona, Alexander Girl, Little Mix and some various members of the male sex who we don’t like to talk about, and basically all men go home now, you’ll save yourselves a lot of time.
I’ll start with the judges. Gary the Fun-Sponge, Tulisa the Anti-Women Feminist, and Louis the Utterly Pointless all return, but Kelly obviously had enough (I think we can all blame Misha’s epic shove under a bus for that one)and so has been replaced by Nicole Scherzinger, whom I adore.
If you saw her on the UK X Factor a couple of years ago, you’ll know she was utterly amazing whilst Dannii was busy having a baby and Cheryl was dying or something. And if you watched any of last year’s US X Factor, you’ll know she was rubbish, spewing out half-arsed hippy nonsense about everyone being rainbows rather than actual advice or criticism. And now she’s back and once more amazing. From her trolling the opening VT by combining “I’mma scary bitch!” with a shrug and an eyeroll to camera, to her reluctance to give any harsh criticism at all, thus finding some LOLtastic alternatives to “you’re shit mate”, to her overly earnest “NO, baby, NO!” to a mental contestant, she is fabulous once more.
I don’t know what happens to her over the Atlantic, but I have two theories: a) she’s a cold manipulative bitch who calculates her every move to the audience she is being aimed at to try and maximise her popularity in that territory, or b) she genuinely doesn’t mean to but she becomes wittier and more sarcastic when in Britain (e.g. her glorious “I LIKE FOOD.” deadpan at Tulisa after she giggled at her burger cravings). Either way, two big thumbs up from me. Of course, it might all be good editing, and she’ll be shit again come the live shows. WHO KNOWS.
Also, due to the producers taking their sweet-arse time to hire Nicole, we also get guest judges. Can I just say that guest judges make the auditions infinitely more interesting, and I would like them to become a permanent feature for who ever doesn’t want to come back next year (probably Nicole, let’s face it). Thus, this week we were joined by ACTUAL SPICE GIRL, and X Factor Australia judge Mel B. And fuck me, she’s an utter bitch.
Gary tried the whole “mean judge” thing last year, and Tulisa kind of tries the whole “keeping it real, being honest, ugetme?” shit, but Mel just turned up and showed them all for the fools they are. From an over eager fan, to a sweet old man, to many many girl groups, she stomped on dreams without a second thought for people’s feelings like a black Sheldon Cooper. Sod “Scary” Spice, she was more Autistic Spice. And it was amazing. Not for every week, it’d do your head in, but for her to treat that sweet old man (who COULDN’T sing to be fair) like an actual person, rather than patronising him to fuck like Amanda Holden does to every contestant over 50 on BGT, was completely amazing. Plus, the asking paparazzi “What are you yelling for? I’m standing right here.” J’adore.
Anyway, contestants. Well, there weren’t a huge amount of them to be perfectly honest. There was Sheyi from Nando’s who for some reason sang every song like he was gurgling gravel, and I’ll be honest I did laugh several times. There was Jahmene, the Asda guy (srsly, people need to stop making the place they work their ISP. You’re not Tesco!Mary and you never will be), who has a good voice but really needs to cut down on his Mariah-y vocal runs. There was that geeky guy, who OMG HAS NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND MUST BE COZ HE LIKES SCIFI HAHAHAHAHA. FYI X Factor producers, but I am also a big fan of the Spice Girls, sing Christina Aguilera songs about sexy men, and like sci-fi. Two of those things contributes to me never having had a girlfriend, and neither of them involve Star Wars.
Plus there were a load of people who, despite every single past example going against them, think it’s a good idea to dress up like someone else for their audition. Which brings me nicely to Zoe Alexander. I hated this audition. I mean it’s entertaining in the same sort of way that me and my housemate once watched an old lady with shopping walk down an icy road from our living room window waiting for her to fall, but it makes you feel DREADFUL. Clearly, the production team set her up with the Pink song, but also clearly she had a second song and ballsed it up because she isn’t very good. It was the kicking off that I hated. This woman clearly is a bit mentally unhinged and I don’t find that funny. It’s at desperate “CHECK OUT THE SUN TOMORROW FOR MOAR DETAILS” moments like this when The X Factor becomes everything that pretentious dickheads say it is, and I do not want.
Anyway, the whole thing ended with Ella, a nice enough girl, with a nice enough voice sailing through. Before I lay into her, can I just point out she has a lovely voice, really very nice. There.
Bitch, stop trying to be Adele. The facial expressions, the crying before she even started singing because “OMGZ, I’m just so emotional”, the original song which just took every lyric and every melody from every song on 21, stuck them in a blender and then took whatever regurgitated mess fell out and slapped a “MY GRANDAD IZ DEAD” sticker on the front. She was more of a crappy tribute act than the Pink girl was. She could be good, but if she ends up with Gary or, heaven forfend, Louis, she’ll be stuck in black smock with a bun hairdo wailing out suicide ballads before you can say “There’s a fire…”.