Films and That: Abraham Lincoln – Vampire Hunter

I have nothing against B-movies. Frankly, the stupider and more ridiculous the better. I’d actually quite enjoy “Batman & Robin” if it hadn’t desecrated the legacy of Batman. But if you’re going to make a film that is campy and silly and ridiculous, you need to make it interesting. This film is not interesting.

First of all you have to get over the mind-numbing stupidity of the very idea. I mean, I’m fine with crapping over history for the sake of a good time (I ❤ Inglourious Basterds for instance) but the guy who wrote the original book also wrote “Pride & Prejudice & Zombies”. Lazy. Plus, they’ve decided to bring in the whole slavery thing (to be fair, they could hardly ignore it) but suddenly slavery was thought up by vampires so they can have food, and maybe Abe shouldn’t stop slavery cos then the vampires will just eat everyone! Utter horse shit. Slavery should at all times be a black and white (if you’ll excuse the phrase) situation. IT’S BAD, YOU STUPID PRICKS.

Then there’s the vampires involved. Everyone slags off Twilight for fucking up vampires and making them sparkle and whatnot, but at least they have a consequence to going outside. This lot can wander around in the daylight, happy as Larry, as long as they wear ridiculous steampunk sunglasses. If vampirism is meant to be a curse, surely they should be something bad about it?! According to this, they’re just fine in daylight, they keep all their old memories and morals apparently, and they acquire superhuman strength and everlasting life. They throw in a half-hearted “Oh, but they’ve got a weakness to silver…” but do you know what? I have a weakness against silver when you put it on the blade of an axe and drive it through my fucking skull, it hardly makes it a curse. Abe even has to deal with the vampire corpses once he’s killed them. CORPSES?! SINCE WHEN DO VAMPIRES HAVE FUCKING CORPSES?!

The 3D and CGI effects are crap too, I was reminded of the sort of 3D you get at Thorpe Park where it’s really obvious at all times and “WOAH! Look at that! A hand coming right at me!” I mean, FFS, it’s 2012, we’ve moved on. And I don’t know what sort of blood the CGI people have, but it reminded me more of runny ink, the way it was splashing about all over the place. There’s also the least convincing chase in the history of cinema involving stampeding horses which is almost aggressive in it’s stupidity. There’s even a time jump somewhere in the middle, where all the actors need to be aged about thirty years, and I swear to God it looks like they drew on a few wrinkles with a biro, and put some talc in their hair.

But all this I could forgive, I really could, if it was interesting or fun in anyway. But all the actors involved (included the very attractive Dominic Cooper, who deserves much better) seem to be taking it completely seriously and none of the fight sequences are in the slightest bit tense or interesting. Fail.

This is a very, very bad film. Not in a “so bad it’s good” sort of way, in a “so bad I wanted to jam a silver coated axe into my head”. DO NOT SEE THIS FILM.

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About rmdbutler

2007 Brit Award nominee for Best International Female
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