I’m going u-u-u-u-u-u-up

My final post of Eurovision week. Sad face. I quite enjoyed all of this, but all good things must come to an end. And it all goes off tomorrow night, and thoroughly looking forward to it I am too.

Anyway, this post is the top 10 songs from the final (in my opinion, globvs) which I shall be awarding the traditional 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10 & 12 points to. You may already have guessed by the title of this post who’s getting douze points, and srsly, it’s not even close.

One point (un point) goes to ICELAND! (Gréta Salóme & Jónsi – “Never Forget”)

Melodramatic ridiculousness to the extent that it actually manages to stand out from the really very large crowd of overwrought ballads this year. Plus, as I have pointed out before, I like to pretend she’s Daenerys from Game of Thrones.

Two points (deux points) go to… GREECE! (Eleftheria Eleftheriou – “Aphrodisiac”)

Lovely pop silliness, it’s hard not to get caught up in the fun of this song. It would be higher, but unfortunately, it sounds almost exactly like most of the other Greek entries from the last 10 years. More originality, please. I know money’s an issue over there but they could have hired someone to write a new bloody song.

Three points (trois points) go to… ITALY! (Nina Zilli – “L’amore è femmina (Out of Love)”)

Very Amy Winehouse, with a nice tune and sung beautifully, but it just feels like it never actually goes anywhere. And the chorus just sounds a bit too…. Eurovision-y. Like, in a bad way.

Four points (quatre points) go to…. NORWAY! (Tooji – “Stay”)

Most of these points are for the backing track and the sheer beauty of the singer. The singing/lyrics/melody aren’t particularly up to much. Plus, it’s all slightly to reliant on replicating Eric Saade’s “Popular” from last year.

Five points (cinq points) go to… IRELAND!  (Jedward – “Waterline”)

Ah, my fatherland. Last year, I would quite happily have given them twelve points since “Lipstick” is a fucking TUNE, this year the song… isn’t. Frankly, it sounds like a High School Musical reject. But it’s catchy enough and I was very surprised to find during the semi-final that, against all odds, the twins have actually grown into quite competent performers. Weird. Plus, I approve of the flat hair and tight clothes (not so much the gay White Power Ranger details)

Six points (six points) go to…. UKRAINE! (Gaitana – “Be My Guest”)

Semi final two was grim. By the time this song started, I had sat through about ten dreary ballads. And then this explosion of gay-ness. Amazing. She basically bellows her way through a trashier version of “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga, but that’s more than enough for me.

Seven points (sept points) go to… UNITED KINGDOM! (Engelbert Humperdinck – “Love Will Set You Free”)

For the sake of this post, we’re going to have to pretend that I’m assigning points from my own made up country (God, I wish I ran my own country, it’d be amaze). Therefore, it’s fine for me to award points to my home country. And it deserves them. When they announced the Hump was going to be doing it this year, I was LIVID. LIVID. But he’s actually turned up with a very sweet, dignified song, which I really like. I still don’t think he’s the right person for Eurovision, and thanks to him being drawn to perform first there’s no WAY he’s going to win, but it’s still a very lovely song. And I very much approve of the ridiculous key change.

Eight points (huit points) go to… CYPRUS! (Ivi Adamou – “La La Love”)

What is that table made out of? Books? Stone slabs? Books made to looks like stone slabs? Stone slabs made to look like books? Well, whatever, a lady who looks a lot like Liv Tyler sings a redonk song with stupid lyrics. And isn’t that what Eurovision is all about?

Ten points (dix points) go to… FRANCE! (Anggun – “Echo (You And I)”)

Extremely catchy, sung in a French/English mash up and the video features a lot of very attractive men in their pants. Amazing. Special shout out to the two soldiers kissing in gas masks. Ridiculous and awesome.

Twelve points (douze points) go to… SWEDEN! (Loreen – “Euphoria”)

Mere mortal words can not describe the amazingness of this song. The beat. Her singing. Her insane dance moves (which are SO much fun to recreate). The bit where it goes all quiet AND IT STARTS SNOWING. The big finale where she apparently kills a man with her thighs IN SLOW MOTION. All added to the fact that Loreen herself seems utterly adorable. Look at her smile 30 seconds into the clip when she hears people already clapping along. I ❤ her. If this doesn’t win, I shall personally ensure the commencement of Cold War II, DO NOT TEST ME EUROPE.


About rmdbutler

2007 Brit Award nominee for Best International Female
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