Apols for the lateness of this post, but thanks to Virgin Media being a big pile of wank, I haven’t had the Internet for twenty four sodding hours. I swear to God, it’s like I lost an arm or something.
Anyway, I decided to merge the two posts I was going to do about the 5 best/worst winners of the last twenty years as opposed to the separate ones I did for the British entries. Yeah, I make more effort for the British than I do for the Europeans. I still vote Labour rather than UKIP, so I’m not a bad person, leave me alone.
5 WORST WINNERS (1992-2011)
5. Running Scared – Eldar & Nikki (Azerbaijan 2011)
Yeah, I picked last year’s winners. Deal with it, Europe. For this one, it’s not that the song is bad, it’s quite nice in a meh sort of way. It’s more the utter and complete lack of chemistry between the two singers (what with Eldar CLEARLY being gay, I mean did you see him presenting the first semi final?!). Whenever they were recapping the entries last year, me and my mate Emilia would play straight chicken, just to prove the everyone in the bar that we were in, that a girl and a gay dude pretending to get off with each other actually could be entertaining. How in the world this beat the far superior Eric Saade or Jedward (LIPSTICK FTW 4EVA), I’ll never know.
4. Fly on the Wings of Love – Olsen Brothers (Denmark 2000)
I don’t understand what this is, or why this but I do not want it.
3. Believe – Dima Bilan (Russia 2008)
SO BORING. I was livid that this my personal favourite of that year, Greece (whose entry this year is almost identical, but clearly inferior, to that year, btw) but the fact that it lost to something so fucking dull was just salt in the wounds. The only reason that this isn’t higher is because he takes his shirt off. Well played.
2. Rock ‘n’ Roll Kids – Paul Harrington and Charlie McGettigan (Ireland 1994)
Considering that of the 20 songs I played back, four of them were Irish, there was going to be a chance they entered one stinker. And so they did. At this point they seemed to be winning out of habit, and this might just have been the real life version of “My Lovely Horse”. A song called Rock ‘n’ Rolls Kids should not make me want to kill myself. Well, maybe, but only through embarrassment, not clinical depression.
1. Everybody – Tanel Padar, Dave Benton and 2XL (Estonia 2001)
Remember that embarrassment I was talking about? Well, this. A heroin addict and Dave Benson Phillips singing a song that would get them booed out of children’s parties. Plus they have the charisma of dishcloths. WTF, Europe?!
5 BEST WINNERS (1992-2011)
5. Fairytale – Alexander Rybak (Norway 2009)
Poor Norway. The jokes of Eurovision, until this turned up with his fiddle. I would have placed this higher, but after the competition he made light of the vicious beatings some gay protesters took (it was taking place in the violently homophobic Russia that year) and whilst he might not have known the extent that it had happened, that sort of thing still don’t sit right with me.
4. Diva – Dana International (Israel 1998)
Yay for transsexuals! Not only was this a huge step forward for trans rights, and their image in popular culture, but the song itself is also a huge bag of gayness that I <3.
3. Love Shine a Light – Katrina and the Waves (United Kingdom 1997)
Also, placing third in my rankings of best British entries, this is just plain lovely. And let’s face it, it’s the last time we’ll even get close to winning until Alexandra Burke’s inevitable amazing entry some time in the 2020’s.
2. Hard Rock Hallelujah – Lordi (Finland 2006)
Eurovision has a tradition of having a few entries every year that are just “FRO TEH LULZ” for the casual viewer, and most of Britain to waste votes on. This year, it’s the Russian grannies, last year it was the Moldavians in the pointy hats, and in 2006 it was the rockers in the stupid masks. The difference being, that that year they actually came prepared with a FUCKING TUNE, so their landslide victory really was inevitable.
1. Satellite – Lena (Germany 2010)
I hate her voice. Not her singing voice, that’s lovely, but that damn arse cod-cockney accent she’s doing, trying to sound like Lily Allen but fucking it up entirely because it’s cockney with a German lilt. The saddest thing is that according to my friend Chris, who lives in Germany, they all think it’s a really convincing accent over there. Das sigh. Anyway, so that fact that I hate the way she sings and yet this is still number one should tell you how much I bloody love this song. It just instantly makes you feel happy, and that to me makes the perfect Eurovision song (INSERT “HAPPY ALSO MEANING GAY” JOKE HERE)