EUROVISION WEEK. Yesterday, I counted down the top 5 UK entries, always nice to feel patriotic. But there really isn’t anything more British than wallowing in our past failures. And when it comes to Eurovision of late, we have had a LOT of failures.
In the last ten years, we’ve finished last three times and in the bottom five another three times. Not all of them have been deserved, Andy Abraham (the binman from the X Factor) finished last with a song that really wasn’t bad, whilst famed homewrecker Javine’s song was so good, that she almost made it into yesterday’s top 5, only losing out because, in the words of the Hallowed Jamelia, she really is a slag. However, several of those songs COMPLETELY deserved to so badly. We really have entered some shit over the years.
5. Nicki French – “Don’t Play That Song Again” (2000)
Aptly named. This was from 2000 and yet sounds like it’s from a cruise ship circa 1984. Still, if you have a fetish for Angela Merkel dressed in a weird purple belly dancer/overcoat combo, then you’ll enjoy the performance.
4. Jemini – “Cry Baby” (2003)
Almost too easy isn’t it? Famously, the only UK entry to ever receive the dreaded nul points, it’s for good reason. It’s not that the song is bad, it’s actually OK in a Samantha Mumba b-side sort of way. It’s just everything else. The singing is flat as a pancake and the styling is INSANE, with Girl!Jemini looking like a Ukrainian prostitute and Boy!Jemini apparently going on a night out in Romford. Why does he need SO many chains on his jeans?! It also doesn’t help that their performances are so off-kilter, she looks like she might have died just before they went on and is being controlled by strings “Weekend at Bernie’s” style, whilst he’s jumping around like a CBeebies presenter on speed.
3. Daz Sampson – “Teenage Life” (2006)
Hey kids! Feel like Eurovision just doesn’t “get” you? Well worry not, because here’s a balding chav from Stockport in his thirties rapping terribly in a god awful American accent! Yay! Srsly, not only is the song itself a big pile of wank, but the sexy back up dancers dressed as schoolgirls gave the whole thing an added paedophile vibe.
2. Scooch – “Flying the Flag (For You)” (2007)
Oh my dear sweet fuck. What’s worse? The tacky airline theme? The blatant pandering for votes by name-checking cities and plastering everything in flags? The horrendously cheap production of the song itself? No, I think we all know the worst bit is the horrible innuendos like “Some salted nuts, Sir?” or “BLOW into the mouthpiece”. They seem to be only moments from “Ooh, can I suck on your balls, Sir?” It actually makes me feel a bit sick.
1. Josh Dubovie – “That Sounds Good To Me” (2010)
At least with the other songs you can write them off as being of their time (the mid-noughties were a dark time for pop music) or knowingly tacky rubbish. But this… this is almost horrific in it’s sheer ineptitude. Pete Waterman wrote it, and I genuinely don’t know what he was thinking, maybe he had a stroke whilst doing it, who knows. Poor Josh is so bland, he’s almost not there. He just reminds me of a pub singer from Essex who has the personality of a dishcloth. You know the sort, the blandly good looking guys that always seem have a really fat, gobby girlfriend. I just want you to watch the video and remember, that this happened TWO YEARS AGO. You can’t really have a go at tactical voting or anti-Iraq feelings when this is the sort of shit we’re turning in.