I’m trying a new thing where I use my one weekday per week off to go to the cinema, since I enjoy going so much and I recently discovered I don’t mind going by myself. Unfortunately, this week my day off was Monday, which was still an INSET day meaning I was forced to avoid “Mirror, Mirror” (which was filled with little girls, thus making me going in alone MEGA weird) and had to go and see “Wrath of the Titans”. Urgh.
I haven’t even seen the first one! Although, judging by the sort of “Previously on…” narration at the beginning, I didn’t miss much, since the whole first movie is recapped in about fourteen seconds. I checked out the first one (“Clash of the Titans” in case you didn’t know) on Wikipedia and I don’t think it matters that I haven’t seen it. Pretty much the entire cast decided not to return (maybe they all died in the first one?) and even one of the few remaining characters has been re-cast. The fact that pretty much the entirety of an all-star cast decided to jump ship before the sequel should tell you how crap this film is.
The “plot”, if you can even call it that, involves Perseus (Sam Worthington off of Avatar), trying to save his dad Zeus (Liam Neeson) who has been captured by his brother Hades (Ralph Fiennes) and his other son Ares (Édgar Ramírez, who seems to have been in mostly Venezuelan stuff before, but is very good looking). They’re using his god-powers to free Kronos, who seems to be the father of Zeus, Hades and Poseidon and is some sort of giant volcano man.
Where to start? Well, the bad guys are rubbish. Ares is some whiny little prick who just complains for the whole movie that Daddy didn’t love him enough, whilst Hades is just pathetic. Creeping, cringing, mopey, he’s more like Randall from Recess than the Lord of the Underworld (TIMMY). I mean, you’d expect Ralph Fiennes as Hades to be the hammiest, campest thing ever committed to celluloid, but no. Rubbish.
The good guys aren’t much better. As in Avatar, Sam Worthington seems to be making a career out of playing heroes with no charisma or defining attributes whatsoever. Rosemund Pike, bless her, does her best with the material but she’s been BADLY miscast as a warrior queen. A queen, yes. A disappointed headmistress, definitely. But a warrior? Nope, not convincing in the slightest. Toby Kebbell (who according to Wikipedia has been in a few good things, but none that I’ve seen) seems to have been drafted in as the comedy sidekick, and again he does his best, but he doesn’t have a single line that made me or anyone else in the cinema laugh. Liam Neeson just seems lost and bored, and since he’s supposed to be the ruler of the Gods, you’d think he’d bring a bit more stage presence with him. One scene, between Zeus and Persues, is supposed to be all heart-wrenching and meaningful and yet all I could think was: “Huh. Liam Neeson’s fake beard really looks like pubes”.
But the worst is Perseus’ son. I wish movie makers would realise CHILDREN ARE TERRIBLE AND SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED. This one seems to have been taught at the Rupert Grint school of acting, i.e. gurning = emotions. I hated him so very much, that I actually kind of wanted Perseus to lose so that volcano dude would smite the little shit. It’s not even that he’s annoying or bratty or anything (unlike Ares), he’s just SO pathetic.
Anyway, the plot staggers around drunk for a bit, Bill Nighy turns up for a couple of scenes to be entertaining but pointless (and seems to have been pitching his performance as Michael Palin in a Monty Python sketch) they take out some legendary monsters that have no purpose on the plot and seem to just be there so something happens (and it really is astounding how boring they can make a sodding Minotaur) before eventually they have this big ol’ battle with Lava-Tits. The fight goes on for about three minutes, and is as stupid and badly thought out as a battle between a giant rock man filled with molten fire and a few hundred extras as you would expect.
I was trying to think of something, anything, to recommend this film for, and genuinely I can’t think of anything. The writing’s dreadful, the scenery and costumes are all so beige and monotone, the acting’s dire, the characters are entirely unlikeable and even the CGI is a bit shit. The 3D was OK, I suppose.
But really, I reviewed Battleship the other day, which is stupid and pointless but at least it was fun and entertaining. Plus, it had Rihanna in it. If you must see a big brainless blockbuster, then for fuck’s sake, see that, not this.