Films and That: Titanic 3D

I had never seen 1997 Oscar orgy participant “Titanic” until this week. That’s bad isn’t it? It’s not that I didn’t want to, I just never got round to it. Plus, when it originally came out I was and 8 year old boy, and therefore not exactly the target audience. Still, I heard it was coming out in 3D so decided that it was a good a time as any to finally see it.

This was a good decision. Not only is the 3D very well implemented indeed (which coming from James Cameron makes sense, since “Avatar” is the only film worth watching in full 3D) but a film like this just demands to be seen on a big screen. It must seem a bit wimpy and pathetic on TV. Like “Poison” by Nicole Scherzinger on half volume. Plus, at over three hours long (then add on adverts) I wouldn’t have the attention span to watch it on telly.

Anyway, the film itself. Yeah. I might upset some people here (my friends Jane and Hannah who are saw it with weren’t impressed anyway) but I didn’t like it that much. Well, actually that’s not fair. I enjoyed it once the iceberg hit. Then it was AMAZING. But the romance? Yeesh.

Surprisingly, I actually did believe that these two people fell head over heels in love within a few days, which I assumed was going to be my main problem. No, instead I just fucking HATE Rose. She’s terrible. She’s a selfish brat, that tries to make everything about her, and then everyone around her can’t stop going on about how fucking amazing she is (even the designer of the boat is all “Ooh, nuthin’ get’s past you, does it now our Rose, to be sure” just for doing some simple maths about lifeboats). She is such a Mary-Sue it’s unbelievable.

To be fair, I didn’t mind Jack. I thought I was going to hate him at first, what with all the whooping and screaming and “I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD”ing but actually I found him rather sweet, and of course very very good looking. I forgot about my late 90’s crush on Leonardo DiCaprio but by gum, I remember it now. Very pretty indeed.

The “moral” of the story seemed to be “rich people are pricks and poor people are the salt of the Earth”. This is something that is only thought by rich people. When Rose hands her shoes to some women so she can dance, my initial reaction (and frankly the believable outcome) was “She’s never going to see those shoes again”. She was sitting in this crowd of drunk, rowdy poor people, flashing a diamond the size of a baby’s head, and we’re expected to believe no one even TRIED to steal it?! What the fuck ever. Yes, some rich people are bastards, and yes, some poor people are honourable. But, not to James Cameron, oh no. I’m amazed he was allowed to write the screenplay to “Avatar” since the same broad stroke “THESE PEOPLE ARE ALL BAD, THESE ARE ALL GOOD” message is present there too. There really is no grey in his bizarre little brain.

The framing device is ridick too. I mean, these people are supposed to be looking for the Heart of the Ocean, and yet they let this old lady yammer on about some bloke for three hours, and then don’t even get her to tell them where the damn thing is! Plus, it led to Rose and Jack’s naked painting session being followed by a 100 year old woman saying “It was the most erotic experience of my life”. Vile.

So by the 1 hour thirty mark, I was hating this film. Couldn’t understand why everyone bloody loved it so much. Then the iceberg hit, and amazingness ensued.

It feels so tense, the effects are amazing (except for one where Kate and Leo’s faces have obviously been digitally mapped onto some stunt doubles, and they end up looking like the monster from the Doctor Who episode “The Lazarus Experiment”) and just the whole thing really FEELS epic. It’s amazing. I can’t recommend the second half of the movie highly enough, and yet at the same time I never want to see the first half ever again. I feel bad for supporting the iceberg in a film about the Titanic but ho hum.

Thus, my scoring is a bit off. The second half of the movie is a flat out 5 star classic, whereas the beginning is a one star snoozefest. I suppose I’ll just have to split the difference:

Oh and also, why is there such a big question mark over the ending? OF COURSE Old!Rose died! OF COURSE she did! It’s just the most obvious thing in the entire world! The only way they could have made it more obvious is if James Cameron walked onto the set with a big sign saying “She died, in case you weren’t sure”.

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About rmdbutler

2007 Brit Award nominee for Best International Female
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2 Responses to Films and That: Titanic 3D

  1. cupidsbow says:

    Again, I have to applaud your arrogance for thinking that the world was just waiting for you to see it in order to have a final confirmation of the ending. Thank goodness you did see it.

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