So another year, another series of the X Factor. I know a lot of people have been complaining how this year wasn’t as good as last year, but I call that bollocks.
I realise that it’s all seemed even more strained than usual and the already not very nice atmosphere has become utterly dreadful, but when it comes to the acts, I’d say there was more talent this year than last year, no problem at all. Particularly the quality of the winner. Because, as we all know, Credible Cardle can go fuck himself with an acoustic guitar.
Jonjo Kerr – Probably should have been called No1Curr. Only put through because the producers liked his story of BEING A SOLDIER with A PREGNANT WIFE. Fortunately, even Louis Walsh isn’t that desperate for a sob story.
James Michael – Yawn. Moderately fit, but even one more week of his snooze-fest, hat-wearing “performances” and I would have shot myself with a stapler gun.
2 Shoes – I will love them forever. Tulisa only got rid of them because one was pregnant. The show was a considerably more dreary place without them, and I honestly think a lot of the criticisms of the monotony of the contestants wouldn’t have turned up if these two had gotten through week one.
Nu Vibe – Who cares?
Sami Brookes – Poor, poor Sami. No one in the history of the X Factor has been so utterly screwed by the mentor.
Sophie Habibis – Her voice was only OK, and she had the personality of a dishcloth. Next.
The Risk – I never liked them, frankly, and they immediately slipped into ridiculous when they were able to replace one of their members and no one could tell the difference.
Johnny Robinson – Probably went out around the right time. A surprisingly nice voice, but I couldn’t listen to a whole album of it. It’d do your fucking head in.
Frankie Cocozza – Too easy. I won’t even bother.
Kitty Brucknell – Yeah, she was a bit of an idiot, and she sang through her nose most of the time. But she knew how to put on a show, and the Lady Gaga hug on the Xtra Factor when she got kicked off was easily one of the highlights of the series.
Craig Colton – Urgh. Sang out of the side of his face, and managed to make every single song he sang unstoppably dull.
Janet Devlin – Started off well, before slowly descending in to a big ginger mess. Mmmbop may be the worst performance anyone has ever given on the X Factor.
Misha B – SHOULD HAVE WON. Easily the most talented contestant this year, she was forced into averageness by a desperation to get votes and convince people she wasn’t a bully, thanks to Tulisa and Louis throwing her under a bus because they saw her as a threat. I still haven’t forgiven Tulisa.
Amelia Lily – Meh. Very shouty. Didn’t really see why everyone liked her so much. And what was the obsession with her pink hair? Even when it was pink, it wasn’t even THAT pink, unlike the man who painted himself fuschia.
Marcus Collins – Thank God he didn’t win. I mean, he seems like a very nice guy and everything, but he’s another Joe McElderry waiting to happen. I can see him going to the West End, tbh. Oh, and what was with them interviewing everyone he’d ever met at the final, and yet his long-term boyfriend was nowhere to be seen?! Fuck you, X Factor.
Little Mix – I like them. I really do. Of eight series, this is only the fourth time I’ve actually like the winner (Leona, Burke and Joe being the others) and I really hope Syco know what to do with them. Also, if someone could sort a Saturdays/Little Mix gay-mazing duet for Comic Relief 2013 in the vein of Sugababes/Girls Aloud Walk This Way, that’d be awesome, ta.