Chucklevision in Suits

So after Lord Sugar managed to actually hire the right person last year (shocker), we’re back with 12 more “entrepreneurs” as we play Spot The Biggest Cock once again. Not literally, obviously, as we all Nick must be raising his eyebrow all the time for some reason.

So we kick off with a montage of them all being wankers. And I mean ALL of them. Seriously guys, I think we might be in for a record year for the sheer multitude of hateful dickbags.

I think this takes place in a city somewhere, but I can’t be sure. If only we could have a shit torn of architectural porn, with many many lingering shots of the Gherkin and Canary Wharf. Then I’d be sure. Sigh.

Lord Sugar apparently hates whiners. Strange, since he supports the Labour Party, but whatevs. He then explains how the winner’s getting some cash to start their own business. I really did miss how he throws the word “bloody” into every sentence at random.

They will apparently be buying fruit and veg for £250 and trying to make a profit. We thusly get a boys v girls situation and then some in-taxi chatting. Apparently they all have businesses. What the hell are they doing here then?! That is, apart from a chinless lisper who apparently invented the curved nail file. Did no-one really think of that before him? FYI, Michael Sheen will be playing him in the film adaptation of his life story. It’s uncanny.

A tour around their shit off nice house (and it really is shit-off nice) before the annual ridick name picking brainstorm. The girls pick “Team Venture”, rather than Platinum (correct choice). The boys meanwhile have some dick named Leon trying to put his name in it, before they eventually pick “Team Logic” rather than Ability which pisses off the King of France. I’ll be honest when Louis XVI suggested it I did think he said “Who lacks Ability” rather than “likes”. LOL as the kids say.

The oddly bearded dude (Edward apparently) is the boys Project Manager, and has decided to make soup. None of them know how to make soup. Now the only thing me and Gordon Ramsey have in common is a tendency to swear and a strange face, but even I know how to make soup. And even if you don’t, use your bloody iPhone and Google it!

They then get patronised by the fruit and veg man. A fruit and veg man. Srsly. Top business minds, my backside. I don’t think Beardward is going to be around for long. Particularly with some scouse twat Gavin undermining him at every oppurtunity.

The girls, meanwhile, are indulging in the usual bitching and moaning whilst again fucking up the negotiations. I don’t think that dude had his arm twisted that much do you? This show really is terrible for women’s rights. It would be worse, but the men are just as retarded.

The girls are making fruit salads, but are already running out of fruit despite using most of their money. Nick is not impressed. As ever.

The boys are off making soup (having Googled it, I assume). I don’t like this fey dude Leon, but actually Beardward is starting to annoy me a lot more. He’s is currently demanding that Leon go quicker and push the fruit harder. And then realises that will break the blender. Unfortunately, slower work means they’re losing a shit-ton of trade on the breakfast rush. And when you’re selling orange juice, this is not good.

Ena Sharples is apparently on the girls team being rather pessimistic about their vegetable pasta. But she isn’t “from these parts”. Eurch. I think you’ll find as Southerners, we’re superior to you thank you very much.

A small mutiny in the boys team (first one of 2011, drink!) as some cockney starts shouting at a rather immasculated Beardward. Dear oh dear. Beadward is so going, if he’s going to be this ineffectual.

King Louis (or Vincent) is trying to flirt and charm some women. This is hideous and sleezy but seems to be working for them. Karren is not impressed. Good. I think we’ve found Cock Candidate #1.

Ena Sharples (or Ellie) continues to talk shit about the vegetable pasta, but the fruit salad is selling well. Until they run out. Thus we get phone in front of face fighting. How I missed it.

The girls are using the usual desperate technique of dropping the price on the pasta, whilst the last of the successful products get sold and that’s that. The boys really did roll with the punches. Thank God someone thought to say to roll with the punches or who knows what would have happened. But they managed to roll with the punches despite setbacks. So that’s good.


The boys immediately go for the jugular on poor, stupid Beardward. And Karren joins them. Oh dear. After his mathematical skills are called into question, he responds with such gold as “It’s all there” and “I don’t fit the mold”. I think someone sees they’re going home and is trying to pull a Baggs “field of ponies” type inspirational speech. It’s… not really working.

I’ll be honest, I zoned out during the girls talking because we can all see where this is going. The boys make £430 whilst the girls storm through with their fruit salads. Ena was right then. Nobody wants that southern muck. The girls then get their reward and I genuinely do not know what it was, so boring I find these “reward” sequences. I think it was just some champagne.

The boys head back into the boardroom. Everyone’s on Beardward immediately. This may be the most forgone conclusion in the history of the Apprentice. We have brief break from all of that to question what everyone else was doing, including Leon for breaking the juicer (“Not my fault”, which is technically true, everyone apparently forgetting Beardward made him do it) and Alex for selling anything (“I was chopping bread”). Scouse Gavin and Juicing Leon are going back in with Beardward.

Alan compares Beardy with a slow Internet connection. Nick makes an awesome “He hasn’t accounted for himself very well has he?” line. Awesome. Karren reiterates that Alan will be owning a company with the winner. YES KARREN, WE GET IT.

Beardward tries to shift the blame onto Scouse Gavin, who is having absolutely none of it. He continues with a “I’m the youngest and the shortest” defence which raise sniggers from pretty much everyone. If Leon wasn’t such a Rah, I could fancy him. But he is, so I don’t.

Anyway, more talking but come on? Who cares? We all knew where this was going at about 9:15. Gavin apparently had nothing to do with, and Leon is a bit rubbish and really need to buck his ideas up a bit, but globviously Beardward’s gone. Not before a voice-cracking defence of his hatred of being an accountant. Apparently Alan Sugar is an expert in electronics. Since when? Do we have to drag out the iPod quote again, Sugar?

Also, how come everyone’s eyes get 75% bluer once in the boardroom? Lighting? Reflections? They’re all Storm from the X-Men?

Apparently unaware of what I was 45 minutes ago, Vincent the Slimeball reckoned Leon would go. Either the editing is harsher than I thought, or this dude is even stupider than I first thought.

NEXT TIME: Something about technology apparently.


About rmdbutler

2007 Brit Award nominee for Best International Female
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One Response to Chucklevision in Suits

  1. Dan says:

    if sugar wasnt such a twat himself i wouldnt know why hes interested in these people they are all shit and arrogant,

    even with all the london skyline stuff, the office building you see them leave is on an in industrial estate in a village

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