Life’s a Beach

Last Week on the Apprentice: Some people were knobheads. Some were idiots. Most of them argued. Business as usual then. God, the recap goes on for bloody ages. Filler anyone?

I might try to learn some names this week, but let’s face it, at this point there’s no point. Once they’re in the boardroom I know who they and I shan’t bother until then.

“Lord Sugar” (hating that BTW) appears on a big screen and I’ve suddenly realised that he really reminds me of the brain in a jar from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Anyway, they all have to invent a piece of beach equipment. Hilarity should ensue.

Stella. There I know one of them. Apparently she’s got no problem being a bitch, because we all know how crap men are, don’t we? Cue out-of-context shots of the boys looking like they’ve crapped themselves.

Laura is the girls’ manager. I hate her. She has the face like Bristol Palin, and a voice like she’s being strangled.

The boys and Stella are doing pitches. A towel pillow fridge is what they’re coming up with. Oh dear.

The girls, meanwhile, are all screaming at each other. Well, that blast of feminism didn’t last long did it?

The voiceover dude just went completely out of his way to point out that Alex is recently redundant. Amazing. Proving he deserves such treatment, he is once again using Sugar’s autobiography like it’s the fucking Quran. They have come up with the name Cooli, with smiley faces in the o’s. The “general public” quite rightly tell them it’s awful.

The girls can’t come up with an idea. Karren is trying her best to mimic Margraet but sorry lady, no dice. The girls are pitching to more plebs on the beach. The “foot-glove” is one idea. A chap points out there is a lot of competition in that market. Yeah, they’re called shoes. God, they’re not being subtle about who’s going to win this week, are they? Is it just me, or does Karren look a bit like Joan Sims? Anyway, the girls have decided on a book-stand which isn’t as awful an idea as trying to reinvent the sock. The rest of the team still hate it though.

The feminism is deffo out the window. The boys have decided Stella should get her kit off for some modelling. She is, quite rightly, unimpressed. They don’t care, and go bikini shopping. She’s their freaking manager. Alan’s going to go fucking mental. They force her into it. Oh dear.

The girls continue to shriek at each other. I reckon the director of this episode was recently dumped. Only explanation for the anti-woman theme.

The boys are smug because their towel looks like a towel. The girls have managed to over-complicate a stand for a book. Bloody women.

On to the pitches. Chris, who is very good looking but I have a sneaky suspicion is a numpty, is pitching and sounds like Robocop. Stella tells him he’s shit, so he has a tantrum. Yep, numpty. Thought so.

Melissa thinks being called a bulldog is a good thing. I don’t understand the business world. Anyway, the girls carry on bitching, so Laura leaves in tears. Bloody women.

Stella is now a model. She is hating every second. Nick seems to be enjoying himself though. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a less glamourous photoshoot than the one the girls are doing though.

The boys and Stella pitch to Boots. I think I’m developing a brain tumour it’s so bad. They point out it looks like a towel, which suddenly is a bad thing. Huh.

The girls continue to bicker (in particular Joanna. She’s well in the board room). They pitch to the Duty Free people. They big up the originality of the product, which in this particular case, might not be the best thing in the world.

The boys are actually demonstarting how to shake a towel. Sweet baby Jesus.

The voiceover dude is now including the box of sand as a part Apollo. Seriously, he’s on fire today. The girls (and the box of sand) apparently didn’t think of the fact that their flimsy as shite stand might blow over.


The boys big up Stella as team leader. Bet that won’t last long if they lose. Alan is then mildly xenophobic against Germans. Brilliant.

The order amounts come in and for the most part, both teams got zero sales. The sticking point for Boots was the lack of exclusivity from the girls. I can’t believe Boots were that stupid, rather than blaming the girls. As with last week, the winners only just pip the other team, despite the editing portraying one lot as business genii and the others as bumbling morons.

Whilst discussing the boys, Nick and Alan talk about how good Stella is, apparently because she’s a woman. I now have no fraking idea where this programme is coming from.

The girls go back into the boardroom, and already there about thirty people talking at once. Impressive when there’s only 7 of them in there. Laura sits there whining about how difficult it was controlling the rest of them. More shouting. My ears hurt.

Laura decides who she’s bringing back. So everyone decides to argue about it. Karren finally has a go at them for being so freaking ridiculous, and they are frankly showing up the entire female race.

Joanna can’t seem to understand that having a bad idea isn’t a good thing. Nor is being a scabby argumentative bitch. Joy, meanwhile, is almost in tears. Man up dear.

Alan starts wrapping up. It could go any way frankly. God, Joy is awful looking. What is that nose about? He starts veering away from Laura. She looks hopeful. She is correct. JOY IS FIRED. She responds with an “Oh, man!”. Bellend.

Joanna and Laura are all smiles as they get back to the house, even holding hands. Joanna seems to have actually learnt her lesson. Oh good. I don’t see it lasting, but still.

Next week: Baking. I’m fairly sure they’ve done this already.


About rmdbutler

2007 Brit Award nominee for Best International Female
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2 Responses to Life’s a Beach

  1. Tim says:

    Was I the only one who thought the boys’ treatment of Stella in effectively forcing her to model for the photo shoot was tantamount to bullying? Good God, if they had behaved like that in a proper workplace, there would have been sexual harassment and bullying cases up in front of tribunals before you can say “hormonal teenagers” …

  2. cupidsbow says:

    Dear God, I hate the out-of-context ‘blank looks’ shots. They may just as well CG some tumbleweed across the screen for how much it shows what actually happened.

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