Yeah, I know, I’ve been rubbish again. In my defence, I’e had other things to do. Not the best defence in the world, but the only one I have. Rather than recapping this weekend’s “Boot Camp” episodes (seriously, it’s not a boot camp. They have considerably more work involved), I’ve decided to just go through all the contestants who’ve reached Judge’s Houses and be a bitch about them.
The Girls (Cheryl)
Cher Lloyd – OK, I don’t get her. Everyone seems to be completely in love with her, but I think she’s embarrassing and her attempts at rap? I could do better than that, frankly, which is saying an awful lot, none of it good. She’ll probs make the live shows but’ll be the “shock” removal around the fourth week a la Laura White or Lucie Jones.
Katie Weissell – Urgh. Everything about her is vile. Trying WAY too hard, pretending to be a lot younger than she is (she’s actually 24) and the fact that she and the X Factor producers have decided she’s so alternative, because she dresses like Madonna from the ’80’s. Seriously, don’t like her.
Treyc Cohen – Very good. Can’ remember which year she was, I want to say Alexandra’s. Anyway, not only is she very good, but she’s yet another person who proves all the “only one chance!” crap to be exactly that. Which Alexandra herself did, ironically.
Annastasia Baker – I can’t remember that much about her, except she has a kid. I think she’s quite good though. I don’t have any problems with her anyway, so that’s her doing well frankly.
Rebecca Ferguson – Sigh. I want to like her. Really, I do. But my fucking God, shut up about having no confindence, will you? You only had a couple of kids. People do that every day without becoming an agoraphobe. Nice voice though.
Keri Arrindel – She has big hair. I’m struggling to think of literally anything else to say about her.
Raquel Thomas – She seems nice. And has a nice voice. But really, quite bland. I’m sure it’s not her fault, the producers just need to start editing her personality in a bit. Also, find her a better make up artist She looked like a corpse.
Gamu Nhengu – My favourite of the girls. I was worried without the autotune she’s be a big pile of crap but she isn’t so hooray.
John Wilding – Shrug. I’ve youtubed him, googled him, and I’ll be fucked if I can remeber him but at all.
Nicolo Festa – Whiny, pretentious, arrogant little shitcake. Fuck off out of my face please, ta.
Matt Cardle – Get a job. And a bath.
Tom Richards – Seriously? It was a mistake putting through in the first place (THANKS PIXIE LOTT) but now he’s at the Judge’s Houses?! Louis must really think he’s on to a sure thing. Please Dannii, don’t let me down.
Paije Richardson – I still haven’t forgiven him for his ridiculous “second audition after the break” bit.
Aiden Grimshaw – Seriously, the X Fctor this year is bringing out the worst side of me. Yet another contestant who gets right on my tits. Next year, I’m not even going to bother with the auditions and go straight to the Judge’s Houses. Save me a lot of unnecessary anger.
Marlon McKenzie – Fit. Like I care about anything else.
Karl Brown – Don’t remember him. But thanks to a quick Google picture search I know that he do is fit. Hooray.
Over 28’s (Louis)
Let’s face it, we only remember/need to remember a few of these so I’ll talk about them.
Storm Lee – I’m with Simon. A complete numpty. But since when has that literally ever stopped anyone on this programme?
Mary Byrne – Love her. My favourite contestant. Susan Boyle but much less ugly and no mental health difficulties. And if that wasn’t enough she completely forgot the Telephone routine so decided to just shake her ta-tas. Which is exactly what I do if I’m unsure of what I’m doing. And, of course, she’s Irish, so she’s a sure thing for the live shows in Louis’ category.
Stephen Hunter – The gay married man. Seriously, he’s supposed to be straight? Because I’ve probs had sex with more women than him.
Twem – Another one that was only put through cos Louis is horny. They don’t seem as irritating as Jedward, but then again, is anything?
Diva Fever – Frankly borderline offensive stereotypes, but they seem nice and they can sing quite well (ignoring the first twenty seconds of Bad Romance).
Husstle – This year’s Kandy Rain. Yeah. Bleurgh. Hopefuly a little less whoreish than they truned out to be.
Belle Amie & 1 Direction – The one made up of all the failed girls and boys. Can’t really comment until I see them sing, all I will say is that I have a very inappropriate crush on Liam Payne of 1 Direction. 16 year olds should not be allowed to be that attractive. It’s just asking for trouble.