When I Grow Up, I Wanna Have Boobies

Apologies for the lateness of this post but I watched the X Factor as it went out and thought, “Oh, I’ll just knock something out later”, forgetting that ITV Player must have been invented by the devil, thereby making it tricky for me to watch it again. I swear to God, if I have to watch the Lionel Richie Walkers advert one more time, I’m going to rape him with a packet of prawn cocktail.

Anyway on with this weeks… Wait, what?! Something happened to Cheryl? Really? You would have thought there would have been something in the papers about that wouldn’t you? I mean the tabloids could have mentioned it, at least. Just so we had some sort of idea. /sarcasm.

So with Cheryl dead, or something, she’s been replaced by Nicole Schwarzenegger, or something, off of the Pussycat Dolls. You know, the only one that sings. She blathers on for the cameras about wanting to find real talent (a struggle in Manchester) and tells us she’s “doing it for the girls”. I reckon if Cheryl was here, she’d hate her. Also, watch out for the line “I think you need to work on your vocals”. It has been used in every episode so far. It’s better be bloody funny in context.

First up is a ridiculously young looking 44 year old woman (seriously, she must have a painting of herself in an attic somewhere aging horrendously) who is the sort that could go one way or the other. Seems a bit mental (therefore: rubbish) but has a baby backstage (therefore: heartwarming). Turns out she’s crap. Three nos, and Nicole seems to have the lost the will already. Oh Nicole. I was there years ago. Around the time Ray Quinn  turned up.

Comedy montage! Reams of mentally ill people stroll through the audition process. Have you noticed that they all look a bit… special? Nicole, meanwhile, seems to be facing all of the mentalness with the same blank expression of open-mouthed gormlessness. Fight fire with fire, I suppose. Meanwhile, Simon’s new tactic seems to be tell people that “It’s nice to meet you”. Patronising.

Nicole yells to the crowd “Manchester is a freaky town!”. This is met with loud cheers, which tells you everything you need to know about Manchester. A girl group try to use the new tactic of “sing one of the judge’s songs” (which seems to have come about because of that mega gay kid that shrieked Impossible by Girls Aloud and still managed to get a yes from Cheryl), and fail miserably.

Louis questions “Something’s missing, what’s missing?”. Simon replies “Star quality”. You can almost hear the shrieks of outrage from the Cole and Minogue households.

AD BREAK!

Next up, yet another homosexual. His mum is a MILF. His gran, bless her, is trying her best, but not so much. He is eerily reminiscent of Joe McElderry, even down to the huge eye teeth, except of course Joe wasn’t a massive wanker. With an insane glint in his eye. He sings “Gold Digger” and seems to think that out-of-tune Mariah-esque riffs equal talent. He’s really not very good, but thinks he really is. Out of what I can only assume is desperation, he gets three yeses.

A group that were set up on Facebook, and apparently have had a branch of All Saints vomit on them, are told they are unrehearsed by Louis. He apparently means it in a good way. Is there a good way? They’re alright though.

There’s then a kid with a wierd face who sings Run in the style of Cilla Black. Maybe Scherzinger was right. Freaky.

AD BREAK!

We now have Sharon Osbourne if she hadn’t had the surgery (JORDAN QUOTE: Her breasts look like an old man’s testicles). She is apparently trying to use the X Factor to win back her husband (which is terribly sad, frankly) or to get a new man, implied to be Louis (which is even sadder).

She seems nice enough as she dances, literally, around her handbag, but you’re not sure if the audience are laughing with or at her (although I can make a fairly educated guess) and it’s all just gets sadder and sadder. It’s exactly auditions like this that make me not want to watch this show until the Judges’ Houses. Nicole likes her, but the boys use sense and kick the horny old cow out.

Comedy montage! Apparently bell-ringing is the funniest thing Louis has every heard. He really is a very strange little man. Anyway, the bell-ringing girl (who bears a striking resemblance to Dobby from Peep Show) sings Angels and sounds like a moose in pain. Nicole didn’t even recognise the song. So much for Robbie cracking America.

A woman with strange hair arrives. This means she is a freak and deserves all our malice. She actually has a not great but slightly pretty gentle voice. As she is, as previously stated, strange looking so the boys laugh openly at her. Nicole hasn’t been on the show long enough and so doesn’t.

AD BREAK!

Famed heterosexual Louis Walsh is apparently trying to get into Nicole’s knickers. I know she’s a stone cold fox and everything but I don’t think even her powers are strong enough for that.

A large black lady is going to sing, and therefore belts the song at the top of her lungs, as is the only thing large black women are able to do in Simon Cowell’s world. Simon is so glad that there is no upper age limit to find people like her. She’s 32. My God, practically dead.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, that one from the tabloids. The girl who has suck thick eye makeup/lashes on she can’t keep her eyes open fully. She’s repellent, and apparently is an escort in real life, although her on-screen graphic says she is a “Full-time mum”. God help her daughter if she’s completely full time. She realises that she’s a dick for I’ll bet you a tenner she’s on the next series of “Snog, Marry, Avoid”.

She sings a song without the backing track and is suprisingly good. Simon then makes her sing with a backing track and she SLAUGHTERS “Underneath Your Clothes”. Which is fairly ironic since you can surf the web for thirty seconds and see exactly what’s underneath her clothes.

She realises she’s fucked it up so starts talking ten-to-the dozen. She then sings AGAIN without a backing track, and is again, quite good. Nicole wants “to see more her”. Nicole, did you not hear what I just typed?

She’s an awful human being, and apparently Louis is the only person who sees this. Maybe it takes one to know one? Which doesn’t say a lot about me thinking about it. Nicole and Simon put her through. She then goes back stage and starts crying for attention. Seriously, go away love.

AD BREAK!

A very classily dressed lady breaks the illusion by having two kids and speaking with a Scouse accent. Oh well. She seems nice enough, but blah blah blah, sob story, what ever. She apparently is upset because she was a young mum. Is that all you have? Nobody even died? Must try harder.

She sings in a nice enough way, but it’s a bit off key and could be polished up. Really not amazing though. And she won’t look up for the entire song. Not that impressed, but as I said she seems really nice. She gets three yeses, and that’s that.

Anyway, the post about Sunday’s show will be up at some point within the next 24 hours. I really do despise ITV Player.

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About rmdbutler

2007 Brit Award nominee for Best International Female
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