As an aside, I enjoy the guest judge aspect of the live auditions as Dannii only really gets amazing at the live shows. But that’s when Louis gets utterly unbearable. So maybe they could get in judges to replace him then? Oh, and remove the live audience at the auditions please. It doesn’t work.
Ooh, an advert for a new period drama with Maggie Smith! And gays! And a choir version of “I’ll be Watching You”. Enjoyable.
Anyway, on with the auditions. We’re reminded of previous “X Factor” successes. Thanks to someone editing their heads as if their flying through the clouds, it seems like they’re dead. I don’t think they are. Although I wish that twat Olly was.
Apparently Pixie has her own opinion. Pity she doesn’t have her own personality to match. Oh dear, I’m going to be incredibly bitchy at poor old Pixie, aren’t I?
Our first contestant is a tit. Drives a white BMW convertible. Owns white gold jewellery (obviously). Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone more. He’s dancing. Kill me. And to the shock of literally no-one, he’s awful. Even his dickhead friends are embarrassed. Pixie looks to be in pain, making me like her a bit more. Four nos.
Cheryl patronises a mental patient with a sparkly hairband. Pixie openly laughs at her. Not cool.
A shouting old man almost makes Pixie wet herself. Then they put him through. I despair at this programme sometimes, I really do.
Simon says Louis is “always happy”. Well, we all the know another word for “happy”, don’t we children?
The producers are showing us someone awful and then showcasing a young boy with a sad story to inspirational music. He’ll be awful too, yes? I mean, it’s just so hard to predict… I’ve just realised the inspirational music is “The Climb”. Seriously Simon, stop trying to make that song happen.
He’s singing The Script. Pixie loves The Script. It’s like she’s trying to make me hate her. (Un)Surprisingly, he’s good. Shocker. He’s still jumping around the stage like a knobhead, even doing a power ballad air grab, when the song isn’t a power ballad. He fucks up the high bit. I hate him.
Cheryl calls him contrived. She is correct. He really does have a lot of female friends, doesn’t he? OK, I’m calling it: gay. He’s now doing the “Please, let me do another song Simon!” bit, which is apparently the new “I have dead parents” story. He does the second song. It’s rubbish. Anyway, the decision lies with Pixie. She milks it and then says no. She milks it further and then the audience prove why they shouldn’t be there, forcing her to say yes. I now pity Pixie. And she has lost any kind of respect I had for her.
Now a montage of people getting yeses. Meaning they’re not getting anywhere near the live shows, so you don’t have to pay attention.
And so Pixie’s off. Shrug. The only thing she did was wuss out on the only important decision she had.
I just noticed the TalkTalk sponsorship adverts. They can be added to the list of things that can fuck off.
Apparently we’ve arrived in London! Despite the fact that we’ve seen London auditions every week since the first episode. My intelligence is offically insulted.
We’re introduced to a trio of sassy black girls with a stupid band name. They’ll be crap. And…. they’re crap. They don’t even seem to know the words. I reckon they just did everything they could just to get on telly. Cheryl and Simon seem to agree.
Now we have an Italian homosexual with a mahoosive ego. He wants to show the judges how big his “X Factor” is. I bet it’s tiny. He’s not bad at the singing. VERY stage schooly though. Cheryl takes the piss out of him. They all call him a diva. He says “As long as it sells records”. I don’t think any contestant in the history of the X Factor has nailed the essence of the show so well, so quickly. He’s a penis though. Just to clarify.
AD BREAK! Already? Bloody hell. I know ITV are desperate for money, but methinks they’re taking the piss slightly now.
Another montage of yeses. I like one girl who works at Maccy D’s. Described as a “Burger chain worker” in the official on-screen graphic. Also, there’s a horse dentist. Cheryl is fascinated. Simon reacts as I do, i.e. slightly confused that such a job exists. She’s very good, and seems like a nice girl. She has an elderly gran too. Bet she dies before the live shows. I’m going to hell, aren’t I?
Now, a nice seeming chap with “Will Smith from early Fresh Prince” hair. He’s doing “Fly Me To The Moon” and he’s really not very good at jazz, but can obviously sing. I forsee a “Please let me do another song, Simon!” coming. Louis says yes, the others say no. The audience start chanting “Louis! Louis!”. Thus confirming them as morons. Louis tries to give him a pep talk with the phrase “I want you to go away”. Nice. Looks like I could basically be running the show at this point as he’s recommended to come back later with a new song…
AD BREAK! Again?! For fuck’s sake ITV….
Fresh Prince is back. He’s singing “Man’s World”. I seem to remember him being told to sing something contemporary? Anyway, he’s very good. Cheryl and Simon are shocked, despite the fact I could have told them that’s what was going to happen about half an hour ago. He gets three yeses. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for proving Louis right.
NEXT WEEKEND! Nicole Scherkeiskfditejer off of the Pussycat Dolls is along since Cheryl died or something. Poor old Nicole has had her “I think you need to work on your vocals” joke ruined by being trailered to death.
And ITV, I don’t care if my lovely Gethin is presenting, I’m not watching 71 Degrees North. Nice try though.