Last years Strictly Come Dancing, was let’s face it, a bit poo. Nobody famous, Ricky Whittle being a twat, and everyone focusing on how Alesha Dixon isn’t a pensioner. WELL SPOTTED, DAILY MAIL.
Anyway, The X Factor raped it in the ratings last year, so the producers of Strictly are pulling out all the stops i.e. not hiring anyone from Hollyoaks this year.
- Matt Baker – Off of Blue Peter. You would, but not as much as Simon Thomas.
- Paul Daniels – Fuck off Daniels, you won’t last five minutes. Might, MIGHT get the sympathy vote, but don’t go expecting John Sargeant.
- Goldie – Will be rubbish. No one will care.
- Gavin Henson – Fit. Len will like him cos he does sport. Alesha will like him cos he’s fit. Fit.
- Felicity Kendal – National Treasure. Fear her Rumba. It will make you cringe, guaranteed.
- Patsy Kensit – Was a bitch on Emmerdale, was a bitch on Holby. God knows if she can dance, but she’ll probs be a bitch. I don’t think she’s got anything else in her range.
- Scott Maslen – Fit. If Arlene was still on it, she’d be slipping off her chair already. He’ll probs go out about half way through. Oh, and he can’t act. Just FYI. Still though, fit.
- Jimi Mistry – Should probably be more famous than he is. He was in East is East. Unless he can dance amazingly, don’t expect him to stay long.
- Tina O’Brien – Our Sarah-Louise off Corrie. Might be able to dance, but God she looks a state in the official photo. Tina, Bo Peep called and she wants her vomit back.
- Peter Shilton – Crap at Latin, OK at Ballroom, Len loves, he’ll make to about week 5. Just like every other older sportsman on this show EVER.
- Pamela Stephenson – Will be funny and nice, which should get her through for a few weeks. Won’t be able to dance though. Should be good on It Take Two.
- Kara Tointon – Desperate to win. Will pretend to be modest.
- Ann Widdecombe – Christ alone knows how this’ll work out.
- Michelle Williams – Well of course she’ll be amazing. But if she isn’t likeable enough, I forsee a touch of the Gabby Logans.